A baby and a future
by fandomaffected
Summary: Focuses mainly on 07x10, but includes spoilers for 07x13. "He realizes that if he lost her he would never be able to live again." A oneshot about both Jane and Lisbon's feelings when Jane leaves, but also when he gets back.


Grateful.

He feels grateful, which in return makes him wonder what kind of horrible person he is. He is not happy, no, but he is grateful. Grateful because it's not… _her_. That _she_ is not the one laying cold and stiff in that casket right now, that _she_ is safe and well right next to him.

He doesn't know what's worse, feeling relieved on a coworkers, on a friends funeral because Teresa is not dead or trying to imagine the pain that it would bring if she was.

He realizes that if he lost her he would never be able to live again.

Suddenly he feels a primal urge to run, as far away as possible. He needs to get away, away from the crying family members before he starts imagining it's her brothers, away from her because every time he looks at her he feels so much love that it scares him.

Later on he would regret how he phrased it _("I'm leaving.")_. She must have thought he was leaving for good, and he never wanted to hurt her _("You can come with me or stay here, but I have to go.")_. He realized it must have sounded like an ultimatum, like she had to choose him or the job.

If that's what she thought, she chose the job. It didn't hurt him at the time, because he knew he was coming back. But _she_ didn't. She didn't, and she chose the job. He didn't blame her, because he had left several times before. It was nothing new. And if anything, that scared him even more. He wants her to be able to trust him, but she will never fully do that until he shows her that he isn't going to leave. He has to show her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, because that _is_ what he wants. It is strange, that it took him leaving again to realize that it is just what he _shouldn't_ be doing.

He realizes all this while he is away from her, and when he stumbles upon the cabin, all of the pieces are in place. He is going to give her an apology, first and foremost. Then a home, a future, _love_.

Maybe even a family, if that is what she wants.

Now he just has to _ask_.

xXx

It feels strange going home that night. She almost always sleeps in his airstream by now, but she can't do that tonight. His airstream is not here, _he_ is not here.

Teresa doesn't know what feels worse; the heartache from not knowing if he's coming back or sleeping alone again. She has gotten used to sharing a bed much smaller than this with him, constantly feeling the heat of his body next to her. She will wake up and the first thing she sees will not be his eyes, and the first thing she feels will not be his lips pressing against hers.

Maybe she should have gone with him?

When he left after Red John's demise it had been unbearable at times, but now? When she knew how soft his lips were, how caring his hands were? When she knew the way her stomach fluttered when he said "I love you", when she had felt the intoxicating effect his touch had during sleepless nights?

The pain was almost killing her, coming in waves, synced up with her crying. And what hurt most was not what she knew, but what he _didn't_ know. He didn't know how on the second night of him being gone, she had gone to the pharmacy. How she had locked herself in her toilet, taken the tests and how she had felt guilty for not feeling as happy as she should have. He didn't know about how she did not sleep one minute that night, worrying about what to do if he never came back.

He didn't know about the life they had created, safely tucked in her belly.

She wants this, has always wanted it. A family. But she needs him. This child needs a father, a father who won't just disappear for two years and then suddenly show up like nothing has changed. She needs him, not only because of this recent surprise but also because she simply loves him. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him, and even though she thinks he wants that too, she can't be sure.

But then he gets back. And a few days later, he _asks_ her. To be his wife, to share the rest of their lives together. Maybe it's stupid, to trust that he will never flee again, but in the moment it just feels so _right_. And somehow, it still feels right when she says yes.

And believe it or not, it still feels right when they tell the team.

And even though it is almost impossible, it feels even more right when they are standing by the pond, by the house that he has bought for them and they say "I do" and when they kiss for the first time as a married couple, husband and wife.

Finally, she knows he will never leave again when she looks into his eyes and see tears of joy when she has just told him about their baby. _Their_ baby, a life, a person. He holds her tight and lays a hand on her stomach and even though no words are spoken, she knows exactly what this means.

It is a promise and a declaration of love, it is a baby and a future.

 _Their_ future.


End file.
